maeve66: (1965 Patrick)
The trip to Lake Geneva was really, really difficult, from getting off the Amtrak in Naperville, where the conductors did not put down the ramp because they were in a hurry (although they were actually way ahead of schedule). I have absolutely no sense of balance between, say, three inches and a foot or more. And it was terrifying to try holding on to the train and setting one foot out for the yellow metal stool. And I nearly fell (which would have been a disaster I cannot even contemplate) and I did wrench my knee, and I was crying and cursing. And then we had to Uber to a rental car place, which did not have a single fucking car my travelscoot could fit in (though it fits in my Honda Fit perfectly, without needing to be broken down). And they were all a foot off the ground, so getting INTO the car was almost as bad as gettin off of the train.

Once we were in Lake Geneva, things were better, though there were too many people to divide one's attention between, by which I really mean my stepmother's family. I am glad they were there to support her. But it was hard to balance than with my sister, my nieces, my brother-in-law, and my aunt, our two cousins, and Pete's wife and two kids, who don't know Mary's family at all. And Mary's family is nice... but nothing like mine. More money. Mennonites. A little bossy towards Mary and a little condescending towards us. The sister of Mary's I feel the closest to couldn't come because of her own health.

The service was really good, to the extent that I was able to stay there and not just zone out into tears. 200 people, and the revolutionary marxists let it all hang out and offered memories that left the local Lake Genevans at the very least nonplussed.

My dad's friend, mentee (SO MANY people who thought of his as a mentor in their lives...) co-worker at the Northwestern University Archives and eventual successor there gave the eulogy and it was really wonderful. He is one of the kindest most decent people I've ever known, and also terribly funny. The two of them were like a double act at Northwestern.

Kevin told about how he met my dad when he was an undergraduate researching for a paper, and when he signed in to the Archives users' book, PQ looked at it and said "Kevin B. Leonard?" Kevin BARRY Leonard? Your folks are Irish nationalists?" No one had ever instantly deduced that. They got on like a house on fire after that, but Kevin did make some assumptions of his own, and he asked my dad "where he went to Mass"? PQ growled and went into a rant about the medieval superstition of the Catholic Church, and Kevin noted to himself that that was not a subject to pursue.

My sister, me, my brother-in-law, and my nieces all spoke, and then so, so many other people, who told stories of how PQ had influenced them in their lives. He would have liked being celebrated like that. Comrades I had not seen in person for twenty or thirty years. He would undoubtedly have corrected some people's stories.

I love him so much. I miss him so much.

And then, the last day in Lake Geneva I started to feel sick -- it was 12 below, and I had chills all night. My sister asked if I was all right to get on the plane (there was no way we were taking the Amtrak back) and I knew she was pretty desperate to get home.

I had chills on the plane, too, though part of it might also have been low blood sugar. And near the end of the flight, I started coughing a little.

I bet you can see where this is going.

The first thing I did today was take a Covid test. After nearly five years of avoiding it, I have Covid-19. Kaiser jumped right on the Paxlovid. I had to call in to work for tomorrow and Friday and probably Monday and Tuesday, god knows what. And text and email all the parents. And text and email all my fellow teachers. And sleep and have a fever and cough and cough and snot and feel like my brain is swiss cheese, when it was ALREADY fucking trash from grief.

I wanted chicken soup so badly, but had none in the pantry. How is that possible? Anyway, I ordered a caldo -- Tlalpeño, without the verduras... just chicken and spicy broth and avocado and rice.

I've eaten maybe a cup and I think that is it.

I am going to post what I said about my dad and me in my next entry, and then maybe watch a couple of short easy shows on my iPad in bed.
maeve66: (Default)
I had my post radiation treatments PET scan on Monday. It was supposed to be Friday, but then it was scheduled for 7:30 AM and since I had to fast for six hours beforehand AND not take my regular insulin, my pancreas released too much sugar for the test to work, great. So it was rescheduled. (When the tech told me this, in his snotty "it's very hard to manage diabetic patients whose blood sugars are out of control" way, he made it clear this failure was all my fault, not theirs for the scheduling. I'd followed their 1970s diet instructions to the fucking letter. Anyway.) The tech also told me that they don't send PET scan results to patients because they're too hard to interpret, so I wouldn't hear until my already scheduled appointment with my stick-up-her-ass oncologist. (That woman does have a stick up her ass, but fuck I do respect her hard work).

The tech was wrong. I DID get results. They were not hard to interpret. This is the first line of the email:

"No evidence of active malignancy by PET CT."

I have not cried so much since the beginning of this fucking ordeal last June. My stick-up-her-ass oncologist even sent a congratulatory email saying that these were "very reassuring results" and "wonderful". So I still have an appointment to discuss next steps, but those next steps are probably starting an anti-estrogen regimen (I have no idea what drug or side effects that entails) and scheduling regular PET scans into the future, rather than scheduling chemo. SO FUCKING GLAD.

This is my announcement to all of you I know here on LJ/DW.
maeve66: (aqua tea icon)
My surgery was Wednesday, December 8th, and IT WORKED. The kind anesthesiologist (who, despite his bedside/Zoomside manner which was a billion times better than the arrogant annoying surgeon's, told me he'd only ever assisted at two other surgeries using Trendelenburg with someone approximating my size, and neither had worked... at least Dr. Han told me there was about an 85% chance it might work, though she knew it was less for my "body habitus" (ewwww). Kaiser newspeak for both obesity and BMI, I presume)-- anyway, Dr. Foster SUCCEEDED and I have raised his success rate to 33%. I think. I am crap at math.

So Dr. Han pulled out my uterus, ovaries, and cervix, and lacerated my lady parts quite a bit in so doing with her DaVinci robot -- actually, I suppose the lacerations were manual, at the vagina end of things in this laparascopic deal, and not inflicted by her. I didn't ask). They hurt. I hurt. I hurt a fucking lot, though the oxycodone I took half an hour ago is starting to kick in, thank fuck.

I had to stay in the hospital Wednesday night, Thursday night, and Friday night, and my sister took me home yesterday. The surgical team (I have to say, whatever my critique of Han, she is a fucking hard worker -- she did THREE operations on Thursday) (that seems nuts to me; mine took six hours) came by and said that my healing from surgery was EXCELLENT; I was only being kept in for blood sugar and creatinine reasons. You know what those reasons were? They refused to give me either my usual humulin insulin u OR my usual (pretty high) dose... not a dose I fucking MADE UP, mind you, but one that Kaiser pharmacy docs arrived at... so unsurprisingly my sugars were really high and didn't seem to be going down. I told them this fact about five times, but it took them three days to contact my pharmacy doctor for her input.

I've never been in a hospital before. I'm sure this is not a hot take, but oh, the pricking and poking and multiple IVs and shoving of things like pepcid and morphine through IVs! OUCH. I had my vitals taken every hour on the hour for the first two and a half days... I was moved twice, just shoving the bed down corridors. The second time it was just two doors down and I was like, "uh, why?" And the attendant (not a nurse; I think he wasn't actually supposed to tell me) said -- oh, well, we share this corridor with Covid cases, and we needed the room close to them. Nice! I wasn't thinking about that. Until then.

On the plus side? It was... kind of nice to make zero decisions about anything. The food was disgusting (except for some lentil soup which was sort of slimy but good, and some roasted vegetables, which were AMAZING). But I didn't have to do ANYTHING to make it appear on a table in front of me. And they give you the illusion of choice by taking your 'order' for a rotating slew of items that were more or less the same each day. I hate dietetic shit, though. Fake butter, sugar free yogurt, sugar free pudding, UGH.

PT people are so nice, in my limited experience. They are encouraging and cheerleading enough that the two Desirees I dealt with were IMPRESSED with my muscular POWER. Ha. On the other hand, I actually am getting up off my bed and back on it -- my normal, quite high mattress -- by myself with the help of a walker and despite my stupid frozen shoulder. My sister took me home and stayed last night and will stay today, and I only bugged her once in the middle of the night because the knee elevator wedge thing was not working; just painful. I probably could have done without the head raising wedge, too -- I'll try just two pillows tonight. There's $120 down the drain! Oh, which I have to pay RQ back for. This morning at 6 AM, I was out of my bed and in the bathroom in a damn flash despite the walker. I was impressed with MYSELF.

I will hear the results of the pathology and the plans for my (I ... THINK external only, now) radiation treatment once I've healed from the surgery on the 14th... Tuesday? Yes, Tuesday.

One step at a motherfucking time.

In other news: my father and stepmother will be arriving on December 20th, staying with me. Apparently my dad called Rachel more than once on surgery day, anxious as fuck. He does not initiate phone calls to her, ever, and to me, rarely. He likes everything to be a test of love, poor needy child that he has never ceased to be. We should call HIM (and I do; I am very dutiful).

And the news on Alistair is "trending positive" -- that's how Geof put it. His doctors have raised his survival chances, and put off his heart surgery until this coming Wednesday, and in the meantime he is a bit more awake, though still not in a place where they can really judge what the earlier brain bleeds etc. did. I was so fucking relieved to read that when I came home yesterday. I wasn't on FB at all from Wednesday until yesterday afternoon.

Rachel has no one in her household who will watch Star Trek (any of its interations, though she doesn't like TOS much) so I am obliging by rewatching Discovery. We're four episodes in, but I don't know how far we'll get because since everything was delayed, the days off she took were all while I was in the stupid hospital, rather than at home with me post-op, and she's got work tomorrow, as a principal in a school where the sub was a retired principal who barged into everyone's room and took notes on everyone and antagonized everyone and referred to the "good" (and "very white") school she'd been principal at in the Oakland Hills, AND asked a little selectively mute boy who wouldn't talk to her during library time if he was "normal" or "Special Ed". When he didn't answer, she repeated the question to a parent volunteer! Special extra greatness to this bunch of bullshit -- the retired substitute principal in question was MY principal back at Lowell (demographics: 85% Black, 12% Latinx, 3% anything else -- Asian, really... I had two white students in seven years there) in Oakland around... 2003? Ha. She knew she (a white lady) was the wrong principal for the school, so back then she had a little bit of self awareness. And she liked me a lot, which looks sort of worrisome in retrospect, huh?
maeve66: (Default)
I don't know.

My laparascopic total hysterectomy was scheduled for 12/1 and then rescheduled because the surgeon wanted me to get a CT Scan and then a fucking PET scan after the CT scan and couldn't she have fucking scheduled those before, with the MRI, like a trifecta? But no, because Kaiser doesn't like to spend money on tests that MIGHT not be necessary.

So I had to gear back down from mentally prepping for a surgery that already might not work, Trendelenburg position and anesthesia and all.

And then the CT Scan showed "plump lymph nodes" (great). And then the PET scan, which was supposed to happen Wednesday this past week, was cancelled on the morning it was supposed to happen -- I got a phone call at 8:30 saying the machine had broken down. I had to call all over the Bay Area to different Kaisers, begging to be put on waiting lists. Amazingly, Kaiser Santa Clara, an hour and a half away, called yesterday morning with a cancellation and my sister left her job as a principal and drove me there.
It was weird, the PET scan. And the PET scan confirmed the suspicious nature of at least one of the lymph nodes (though on the plus side, I don't have any OTHER cancers, not breast cancer or colon cancer or pancreatic cancer or thyroid cancer, etc.)

So now I am frantically still finishing my lesson plans for the next two weeks (I didn't change the window of time off I asked for, because there were other procedures that would have made it hard to teach anyway, and the recovery probably still won't go beyond Winter Break...) and having to learn all about the very likely course of internal and external radiation treatments I will be facing, after surgery, whether it works or not.

And then today, the husband of my best friend in the world Alistair posted an update (I haven't even written about this because it's just Too Fucking Much) to Alistair's medical situation. He and Geof had really bad flus maybe two months ago? And were in hospital, where either Covid was diagnosed or they GOT Covid, in England. This part isn't clear to me. Geof recovered. Yes, they were both vaccinated. Alistair is a Labour councillor in the city they live in. Anyway, Alistair developed a series of infections and side effects, the worst of which was in the pericardium. He was in a coma, with a lot of damage to kidneys, some brain bleeds, etc. They gave him a tracheotomy. He was finally coming out of sedation, very slowly, and being retrained to sit up and nod or shake his head, etc. And now the doctors have found that his aortic valve is so damaged that he will die, for sure, if they don't do an operation to replace it. But the blood thinners he has to be on and various other complications mean that he has a 50% chance of dying during surgery or recovery. He'll be having that surgery about the same time as I'll be having mine. My surgery is scheduled for 12/8.

This year has sucked. I cannot remember a worse year in my life.
maeve66: (Default)
1) I got (almost) involuntarily transferred from the school I have taught at since 2012, even though I've got 16 years seniority and tenure -- my best friend at the school was hired the SAME day, and we both have the multiple subject credential that means we were tailored to teach elementary school, though neither of us has ever done that and neither of us ever wants to -- the credentialing options have waxed and waned over the years, basically always to the detriment of middle school teachers. I ended up volunteering rather than having Kathy (my friend) transferred, because if I volunteered, I could guarantee not going to an elementary school. I could not teach elementary, I swear.

I am now teaching at the Independent Study/"District Individualized Contracted Education" service, which used to be where kids who got expelled or had restraining orders, or who just couldn't deal with in-person school were placed, and now includes students whose parents don't trust in-person school while students aren't vaxxed, despite mask mandates. So it's ballooned up this year (but will probably shrink back next year, so who knows where I'll be next year).

This was a brutal thing. I am struggling to play catch up; I've just been given sixth graders as well as seventh graders -- which in one way is fine; it's actually what I was teaching before the transfer: one sixth grade English/Language Arts and Social Studies Core, one seventh grade ELA and Social Studies Core, and an extra seventh grade Social Studies class, split with another teacher.

But now I am teaching 6th grade ELA, Social Studies, Math, and Science. And 7th grade ELA, Social Studies, Math, and Science. The law says kids need to get four hours of direct (Zoom or in person) instruction per WEEK. So I get ONE HOUR of direct instruction for each of those eight subjects. And I have to devise asynchronous do-at-your-own-pace work to make up for all the rest of it. No one has given me more than a few minutes of general orientation, no training, neither I nor my students yet have access to the online curriculum options I had before (which are all geared to the standards the kids are still supposed to be held to) and I've been teaching two weeks now. The kids I have had NO classes except for a daily "Morning Meeting" which was Social and Emotional Learning since the start of the school year in August.

I hate teaching Math with a passion. I feel inept at it, and there is literally nothing I hate more than feeling inept.

Fun times, all around.

2) On the very first day of this new Zoom instruction (I am back to teaching from home with this new job) literally with one minute to go before I clicked on the Zoom button, I heard dripping. The upstairs bathroom was leaking ... through the light fixture in my newly remodeled bathroom ceiling. And there was nothing I could do about it, because I had to be teaching. All kinds of shenanigans have ensued, though it looks like the owner of the upstairs unit is going to pay for everything. This is too boring to talk about, and both of these are overshadowed by the third Thing That Has Happened.

3) Among all of the million doctors' appointments I was catching up on after the shut down, one was because (TMI for those of you who avoid such things) (but I can't remember how to make a cut right now) I have never properly understood my own menopause. I thought I was done with my period, it seems like there were a couple or a few years with no more bleeding. But then it started again. Nothing major. Just, it was weird. So my new Personal Care Physician (I think that is what Kaiser calls it?) made, among all of my other appointments, one for an ultrasound.

It was excruciating, but that's always the case for me. The woman doing it didn't get a good image, so she repeated the entire, long, horrible thing with a different, bigger scope. More excruciating misery.

And then the report said that they didn't get a good image but were very concerned, and I would need an MRI. All of this took weeks and weeks and weeks. And I didn't tell my sister, or anyone, what was going on.

The MRI (also not a particularly fun procedure -- especially because I am large (thankfully not too large to fit in the machine; I was having images of being told I would need to go to the Zoo and use theirs, no, I have heard of people having to do that) and I have "frozen shoulder" (also super painful and miserable, with very limited mobility for my left arm) so it was strange to be arranged to go into the loud, tight, weird machine. You're supposed to hold your breath a lot of the time, and the technicians TELL you that you won't be able to hold it that long, just to give it your best and let your breath out slowly when you have to...

The image from that was conclusive. A ten centimeter mass, possibly the size of a tangerine. I am not great at the measurements most of the world uses, but ten centimeters seems somewhat bigger than a tangerine to me.

Now they needed a biopsy.

My sister happened to call the night after the MRI, and asked me how I was doing, and I just started crying, and it all came out. This is, by the way, weeks and weeks ago now. It all took so much time, to get appointments and so on. Rachel was crying then, too. She's been a fucking ROCK, since. But I haven't told my parents -- my father or stepmother, or my nieces, and I am really, really fearing that, because we're so close and they're super sensitive.

My sister went with me to all the appointments after the MRI. The first biopsy was even more excruciating than the ultrasound had been... and we waited for the results for more than a week... only to find out that they hadn't gotten enough tissue to say anything useful, not even a for sure diagnosis. (It was clear that without ass-covering, they'd have said the C word, but they couldn't quite).

The second biopsy involved painkiller shots in my shoulder and my cervix and a much fancier, electrically positionable bed, or whatever they call that diagnostic couch. And I got the results yesterday.

I have grade 1 endometrial cancer. "In the majority of cases" (ass-covering) that means it's well-differentiated and is relatively ... good? It's hard to see how that word is accurate. Now I will have meetings with an oncological team and they will determine a course of treatment, which will partly depend on whether they think I am a good enough (light enough) candidate for a surgical hysterectomy. If not, then radiation treatments are an option. It all sounds horrible. I also have no idea how much time I'll need off work, either for the radiation treatment (I read online that it might be five days a week, for six weeks) or for wound care for a hysterectomy.

And now I have to tell my dad and Mary, and Ruby and Rosie.

And you all. Sorry, you all.
maeve66: (angry piggy)
I am so angry right now, and so scared.

My school has been in distance learning since last March 17th, 2020, but recent concerted efforts by politicians and apparently their CDC stooges threaten to reopen schools that have been closed across the United States, including in my district.

As teachers are pointing out across the US and in Canada, there is no plan at all to ACTUALLY have social distancing of 6 feet, because that would entail such small class sizes that they would need to hire more teachers and they refuse to do that, and because if the school day itself isn't drastically shortened (AND our workloads drastically increased), they would also have to have more physical space than they do. There is no plan at all to upgrade HVAC/air circulation. It is ludicrous to expect that students will keep their masks on the whole time, or refrain from touching each other in their vast relief at being able to be social once more, at least outside the classrooms.

The CDC announced that teachers can return to work without being vaccinated (because obviously vaccination roll out is not going to be a miracle of efficiency -- it's not even mandated for teachers in all California counties yet, including (as of today, at any rate) Alameda County, where I am.) What the hell?

I love teaching. I chose this job on purpose and for the long haul, and have resisted burn out (which is fucking common) by defending my own life outside of teaching. I value and appreciate my students. I am doing the absolute best that I can being creative with Zoom classes and distance learning. But I am very fat, and have diabetes and hypertension and have had bronchitis twice and pneumonia three times in my life, as well as H1N1 when that came around in 2009. I am the perfect candidate (except for not being over 65) for Covid-19. I fucking did not sign up for teaching in order to die. It is fucking UNCONSCIONABLE to demand that I die for my job. I cannot retire early; I can't afford to. I have to work another SEVEN fucking years before I will reach a mostly sustainable pension amount.

I got a letter from my doctor a month or two ago, in case of reopened schools... but Kaiser, my group insurer, gave me a form letter which just says my employers should follow national guidelines. Which presumably means who cares whether I get vaccinated before returning or not, now that some asshole at the CDC says it's not necessary.

I am so scared, and so angry.
maeve66: (aqua tea icon)
I think my family is kind of worrying about me in this whole mess, because a) I've had pneumonia three times, bronchitis twice, pleurisy (how is that even a thing, after about 1890?) once; b) age (I'll be 54 in May); c) underlying conditions, baby, from Type 2 Diabetes to low-level asthma; and d) the last not-as-apocalyptic rodeo, I actually got H1N1 and was out of school for three weeks, miserably sick and actually confined to my bed most of the time, cracked a rib coughing (second time in my life for that) and came back to soon to work, fainted, fell and hit my head! Fun times. Anyway, most phone calls with my sister or my father and stepmother now begin with "How are you feeling? Any symptoms?"

Which is depressing. I haven't seen my nieces and won't until they've been asymptomatic for at least nine days (?). Boo!

In the US, it's all so fucking patchwork -- my school district announced Friday night that it's closing for a week, "though we should stay tuned for further news on that". Most other districts around here are closed for three weeks, whether that includes their Spring Break or not. Our Spring Break is still four weeks away. We were given one day's notice, on Friday, to make distance learning/independent learning lesson plans for all our classes for fifteen days which we could post on Google Classroom or another platform, but which also had to have offline equivalent assignments. Said assignments are required to: be grade-level appropriate, standards-aligned, and rigorous. They are also required to: take about 20 minutes each, not involve any new ideas or concepts, and mostly be skill practice. And they cannot count (much if at all) in students' grades. I understand the equity issues, I do, of course. But it makes it all seem like so much make work, both for our students, and for us.

Lowlights of my lesson plans: straight bookwork from the history textbook they all have a copy of at home, enlivened a tiny bit with some sketch requirements; straight "StudySync" lessons from the online curriculum we were forced to adopt three years ago. Two years ago? Some relatively recent time ago. (During the summer after its adoption, the principal literally came to the seventh grade English/Language Arts and Social Studies teachers' rooms and removed the single class set we'd each kept of the former literature anthology so we could still do a few greatly-beloved lessons). (Most of those lessons have been quietly resuscitated by finding illegal PDFs online of the various texts, like "Seventh Grade" by Gary Soto, or "The Monsters Are Due on Maple Street"...)

Highlights of my lesson plans (at least in my mind): a couple of art projects for Social Studies -- one involving creating a paper version of a West African symbolic pattern, with instructions and also links to various YouTube iterations. I apologized for the poor voice modified choices made by one of the artists. It was damn crazy. An extra credit project where I ask students to BE Samuel Pepys and keep a daily diary of mundane events as a FUTURE PRIMARY SOURCE for future historians. I made a sample page with the hours from 5 AM to 11 PM along the left side, and, in a fake handwriting style font, entries for one full day, including things like "Needed a break, so I watched three YouTube videos of MrBeast" and "Texted Julio to see if he gets this Math assignment. He doesn't." and "My sister wanted Mac 'n cheese for lunch. I made Mac 'n cheese. I told her she had to do the dishes. She broke a bowl." I really enjoyed making that. Oh, and the final assignment for the three weeks was a link to (and I'll have to make some hard copies of) a) some reputable not too difficult articles on the coronavirus and how it's being dealt with (or, instructions to get a couple of newspapers and read some similar articles) and b) two primary sources on the Spanish flu epidemic, a letter from an Army doctor stationed in Boston, seeing thousands die, and writing about it graphically, and a piece about local experiences including the news that in many places, schools were closed and teachers had lesson plans printed in local newspapers. I ask kids to read those and think about their experience and write a similarities/differences one pager.

My older niece is home from college now (which is a matter of two miles distance for her) and doing coursework online. My younger niece apparently went on a Boccacio-like binge of socializing last night -- sushi with friends and then a weed-fueled (I assume; she didn't actually say so, but I think I take it as read) sleepover with her four besties. She's home now, assuaging her boredom with Buzzfeed quizzes and phonecalls to me.

The saddest thing so far for me -- not only related to coronavirus, of course, and in fact, his response to that was one of the most heartening and inspiring things I've seen so far, as have been most of Bernie Sanders' utterances -- is that this seems to be the death knell of the Sanders campaign... with no rallies and no door-knocking, the main way to try to convince people devolves to ads, ugh. My many donations aren't going to pay for much of that. If you haven't seen it, though, I do recommend that you watch Sanders' press conference on the coronavirus. He gets it so right.
maeve66: (MQ guitar)
But it's early in January -- tomorrow I go back to school, which my brain is still refusing to accept -- and the few sort of related things I want to be working on for myself... well, they are coinciding with January. So it FEELS New Years' Resolutionary, but I don't want that. I have such an allergic reaction, emotionally, to doing things that are objectively good for myself, from taking showers more than once a (sometimes extended) week to doing physical activity of any sort, to getting enough sleep, to eating vegetables and foods that are not prepared by autobots and ill-paid workers in a factory somewhere.

The things I want to do a little better for myself right now, partly motivated by physical decline, partly by a realization that I need to watch my money more carefully, now that I am paying my mortgage, HOA, and taxes by myself, without my mom's contribution... 1) I want to cook big dinners on weekends and eat them over the week, which might both enable me to eat fresh food and vegetables and to save money I otherwise spend not on economically efficient frozen meals, but on ordering out from one of the five bazillion delivery-to-your-door third-party gig economy franchises, like Door Dash, which bought GrubHub, I guess? And 2) I want to see if I can make it to the Mills College salt water (outside, which is problematic, sigh) pool to water walk, a couple times a week. I dream of going three or four times a week, but that is probably unrealistic. I can also check out the Castro Valley Swim Center, but I think it's chlorine, which I really do not like.

Physical decline: not having written an LJ post since the depressing one I wrote and deleted months ago, I have not noted this, but... I used some of the money I inherited from my mom to buy a Travelscoot, which I use at school to get around the campus -- to sign in each morning, which was exhausting me, and especially for things like fucking FIRE DRILLS (or malicious pulls of the fire alarm, which happen a greater-than-zero number of times a year at my school), where I cannot keep up with the kids, or manage it all the way to the field, OR stand, thereafter, on the field. I guess the news to my vast LJ readership (which is what, five or so people? Not sure.) is that I have trouble walking now, and get absolutely exhausted. It's been getting worse for at least the last four or five years, somehow seeming to accelerate each summer before a new school year. But it's really bad, and painful, and the travelscoot is helping. I used it in the Oakland and O'Hare airports at Thanksgiving, when I went to Lake Geneva, and it was so much nicer than feeling like I was oppressing a person pushing me in a wheelchair. I am not sure that the fact that the travelscoot worked well in airports is enough to convince me that I could feasibly travel to, say, England or Ireland. But who knows? Maybe my brilliant intention of water walking and homemade food eating will help me make at least some improvement to my physical condition?

Meanwhile, I was moved to write this entry tonight because after starting to assemble the ingredients and then ignoring them on my table for a few hours, I finally went ahead and made my mom's cabbage bean soup, which is simmering for at least another thirty minutes on the stove.

I know I wrote this recipe in here years ago, but it would be a giant pain-in-the-ass to go dig it up. Here:

Cabbage-Bean Soup à la Martha Quinn:

There are two variants. My mother's I will put in parentheses, because it's not my favorite. Mine is the main one. It could also be made vegetarian.

1 lb. ground turkey (or ground beef)
2 c. shredded raw cabbage or more to taste
2 cans (or 3, depending) cannellini beans (or red kidney beans)
2 of those boxes of chicken broth (or beef broth)
1 can diced or crushed tomatoes
1 or 2 bay leaves
fresh thyme
salt, pepper

1. brown the meat and if there is fat, discard it. There isn't any no matter what kind of damn ground turkey you buy.
2. Mash up 1/4 of the beans and all of the bean liquid from the cans
3. Add all of the ingredients to a large pot and bring to a boil
4. Reduce heat and cover and simmer for 30 to 40 minutes.

How's that for easy? It smells good already and is activating my salivary glands, if that's not TMI.

Notes: I am using fancy-assed kosher salt for the first time ever, inspired (which may be generally inspired, in fact) by Samin Nosrat's Salt Fat Acid Heat, the show, not the book. I've never bought anything but Morton's Iodized Salt, "When it Rains, it Pours". Also, when the soup is done, I will add a cumin bagheer, meaning I will heat some oil in a small pan and pour a LOT of cumin in it until it sizzles and then dump that in the soup. That is not part of my mom's recipe either.


My mom liked my recipe as much as her own. I miss her so fucking much. This Christmas was hard for both Rachel and me, because Christmas was A Thing, for my mom and my grandmother. They liked it a lot. They didn't really go overboard at all with decorations -- but they relished each sort of habit and tradition that they had with it, from drinking spiked egg nog through listening to Xmas music and singing carols in a group, to decorating a tree and getting and wrapping presents. Even when my grandmother couldn't really have a tree in her small apartment in Madison, she would get fresh pine or fir branches and put them in a hanging basket and string lights through them. I'm addicted enough to Xmas lights that one window in my apartment has them lit year round. I just like shiny bright colorful things, from colored lights through glitter.


Things I miss about my mom (not sure I'll keep this section... we'll see):


Her tolerance and acceptance for everyone except rightwingers and the rich

Her sort of personal libertarianism -- she thought the drinking age was too high, smoked a lot of weed until several years ago and the beginnings of dementia, and basically felt people should be free, sexually and otherwise

Her many, many talents -- from singing to playing the guitar and recorder, to cooking, to watercolors and drawing, to photography and making a home comfortable and welcoming, to dressing well, to gardening, to reading and writing and public speaking and being passionate about justice and socialism.

Her kindness

Her love for cats

Her pleasure in her senses

Her aesthetic

Her principles, which she never betrayed

Her appreciation of art house movies

Her ability to live with deep, deep chronic depression and to be present with us, mostly, despite that

Her adroit management of denial

Her scattiness and frequent interiority.

I should go check the soup and maybe make the bagheer.

Oh, man, it's so good. So what if I haven't taken a shower (yet) and have to try to go to bed in an hour. This soup is good, and there is a lot of it left. What do the youngsters call it? An adulting win.
maeve66: (Default)
Day 4: What do you do to keep yourself from mentally/emotionally/physically stagnating?

I read a lot. A LOT. Generally friends and people I barely know look at my like I am crazy if I tell them I read several books a week. I am curious about just how many I actually read, so I decided to actually USE Goodreads this year, and enter every single book I finish. Many of them are 're-reads', and I am curious about that, too -- what's the proportion? It's so nice to have a computer do the tracking... I've done it off and on in a journal, some years, but I always leave books out, and trail off and forget, and don't really know what genre I considered the books, or anything. There was a little sidebar on the Goodreads home page saying "2013 Reading Challenge" and you could put in how many books you thought you would read this year. Just to see if I can, I put in 365. I have no idea if that is realistic, but it sometimes seems so. We'll see. I am ahead of my goal so far; I've read and rated (and in many cases, reviewed) 29 books so far, and it's the 23rd of January. So that's one thing.

I write a lot. Here, in a paper journal, in an electronic journal, to friends and family via email (though I miss the days of writing fancily illustrated handwritten letters and cards... missing them doesn't affect my instant default to email, sigh...).

Recently I have started playing this Lumosity thing, which is probably nonsense, but it's fun. I am the perfect internet consumer, in that I almost always respect paywalls -- it's pathetic, and maybe if I had more expenses like CHILDREN, I wouldn't do it -- so I actually got a paid account, and paid a bit extra so I could put family members on it, mostly intending to get my mom doing these mental games on a regular basis. My older niece wanted to, also, so now all three of us are "training" and seeing if we can get our scores to go up. Honestly, it may be nonsense, but some of the repetitive games that involve peripheral vision and memory DO seem to help me with, e.g. paying attention while driving, or making quick decisions under pressure.

I get into enthusiasms for things -- much like my father does, now that I think of it. I got very engrossed in that Mormon site, Ancestry.com (I think they've since sold it, hurrah) and found out that I am a descendent of Joseph Smith, I kid you not... very sideways and very far back. But I haven't done much with it in several weeks... maybe even a couple of months. Once people are claiming to be related to lords and ladies and MPs and English county Sheriffs in the 1200s, I sort of think it's bullshit. On the other hand, I think it's cool that I am related to one of the first two Colonial silversmiths, a century before Paul Revere. Another recent enthusiasm, as I pointed out above, is Goodreads. I am slowly adding books I have read and cared about, though I am not reviewing all of them. I will try to go back and review the ones I think are most amazing, which have had the greatest impact on me. This used to be a meme that turned up on LJ, actually, but it hasn't of late, and once you've done it here, why would you do it again?

Learning new things -- well, I have not been doing well with Hindi, during the school year. We'll see if next summer improves matters. I've barely even seen any B'wood movies, of late. I refuse to label it a fleeting enthusiasm.

As for emotional stagnation... that's harder. I have good friends. I have a great family, and we live close to one another, most of us. I can't seem to manage this romantic partnership thing, and I think I've pretty much given up -- I have DEFINITELY given up internet dating. I feel so relieved about that decision. I'm trying to work out exactly how depressed I am, and what I should do about it (rejoin the women's group therapy thing that was going on until the two therapists let it implode by admitting someone who was HORRIBLE, so that everyone else quit all at once?; get an actual (and probably twice as expensive) therapist?; pay a lot of money to do long distance work with a woman who is a Fat Nutritionist?) There, that segues into the last point:

Physical stagnation: there's a lot there, and I don't avoid stagnation, because I am struggling with ability issues and with my blood sugars. At least I am facing it now. That's good.
maeve66: (Ganesha)
They're fascist.

Okay, if they're just there for those who want to take advantage of them, like time off to exercise, or money off at a health club, or expanded choices in a lunch room, cool. Once they exact penalties for non compliance, they're fascist.
maeve66: (some books)
What an odd subject. I wish I knew where they got these. The repetitions convince me that it is not just farming, say, google searches.

My answer? Usually my answer was "At the last possible moment". Yeah, I'm late on this. I am still in recovery mode, bleah. Though at least my fever and most of my body/joint aches are gone. That was BRUTAL. I mean, not a patch on 2009's H1N1, but then, little could approach that. This was brief but brutal.
maeve66: (aqua tea icon)
Those were two instant topics, and they are sadly relevant. I MEANT to get a flu shot this year, I really did. I got one last year. But yesterday I had the weirdest, quickest onset of a flu ever. I'd had some joint aches and sore shoulders and neck for a day or two, but I ignored it and went to all my meetings on Friday. Then, comrade Robespierre (not his real name) arrived from Texas yesterday morning. And suddenly the joint aches were worse and the backache was miserable and I started worrying that I was having another bout of possible passage of tiny kidney stone. But this time I had a fever of 102, which is crazy high for me. I never get fevers. And I started shaking with chills and comrade Robespierre had to cover me with blankets and then I fell asleep for several hours. A boring visit for him. Taking Tylenol, which I've been told is recommended over advil because it's easier on the kidneys, didn't really bring down the fever at all, and all night long last night I was up and down shivering, or sweating, with a hot water bottle. I couldn't get comfortable at all. I hate this.

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